Umm, Valentine's day is an EVIL holiday.....ABSOLUTELY EVIL.

In other news, this past week has been RIDICULOUS regarding schoolwork and whatnot.  I'm out to the general public now!!!  But is a bit weird to be called Katie when the name I'm called by most people is Calvin.

Yes Ashley, you're right- it's weird.

I've got a paper for a Holocaust Literature class where we have to figure out the life of someone who was in the Holocaust.  I chose to do a couple, which I think was a wise choice.

I'll write more later, g2g for now!!!

I'm cute!!

Hey all!!

So sorry i haven't posted lately; since being back at school I haven't been able to find the time to post anything.  But now I have time, so I shall post.  Lots of stuff has happened, so here's a list (please note, not everything is in order)

1. Went to see the school counselor.  I've seen him twice now, and he's been incredibly supportive (he even told me I'd be a cute boy :P)  I look forward to my appointments with him immensely.

2. Bought some guys' clothing. Today I bought some polo shirts and my first pair of guys' pants.  (also bought some boxers and some boxer briefs).  I have some button down shirts already, so my wardrobe is shaping up :D

3. Came out to some of the gay group.  They were awesome and supportive (they even asked what pronoun they should use!!) even though I was nervous; thanks to Ashley, Nick and Eric for listening to me whine and  rant against coming out, the whole time supporting me and encouraging me.  All of you were right ;)

4. Passed as a dude!!  I went to the Gap today (to buy the polo shirts) and when I asked to try things on she led me to the MEN'S dressing rooms!!!  I can still feel the rush...

5. I got a speeding ticket XD oh well, what can you do?

So, that's what's been going on lately....hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did!!!!

So I JUST woke up and am now sitting in front of my bed, leaning against it, with some Tostitos, salsa, a Dr. Pepper (I LOVE Dr. Pepper, if I don't have any stay away from me) and my stuffed tiger Hobbes.  YES, THAT'S RIGHT; I HAVE HOBBES!!!

And what am I doing, other than typing on LJ?  Well, reading The Complete Calvin & Hobbes Book 1again.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go read about myself in another life with Hobbes while I enjoy chips & salsa (and Dr. Pepper).

Oh, if you'd like to see my Hobbes, here's the link: http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u245/Kamikaze_pilot/CIMG0905.jpg
enjoy!!

Video games, books, chatting with online friends, hanging out with friends, listening to music....yeah

So these past few days have been interesting.....I got awesome gifts at Christmas- Guitar Hero III (for wii), Super Mario Galaxy, Game Party, Fire Emblem, Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, Smarty Pants.......all video games :)  And I got $80 from my family.  I got a Hot Chocolate Maker!!!!!  It is SOOOOOOO good.

Then yesterday was my Aunt's birthday so we took her to Giordano's, where I saw a former classmate of mine.  He didn't recognize me, luckily.  Later we went to my grandma's house to celebrate and I got to play with her golden retriever Ginger.  Then my roommate asked if she could stay the night with me instead of driving all the way to her brother's house.  I said yes, and so she came and spent the night.  This morning we had breakfast and lunch, then she left.

Now I've showered, chatted with a couple people off and on all morning, and soon I'll be playing video games :D

With my family in IL, then my roomie is coming to Chi-town to visit and we'll hang out for a weekend or more.  Other than that, playing video games, reading, listening to music, hanging out with my mommy who is AMAZING.  Lots of fun, boring stuff :D

Okay, so my mom and I have always been close; when I told her that I like girls she was very supportive (think PFLAG mom) and was pretty happy for me, but upset that I didn't tell her sooner because I was afraid of her reaction.

Then, last night I showed her my presentation for Women's Studies, which was on Transgender Women.  Now, my mom knows very little (nothing might be a better term) about transgenderism in general, so I played educator and explained lots of stuff.

After the presentation, she asked me if I had ever felt like I didn't want to be in my female body....I had NO IDEA what to say to that except the truth, so I told her that I am not overly fond of my body.  Then she asked if I felt that I was actually a boy....again, NO CLUE what to say to that except the truth.  So I told her the truth.  And she didn't freak out.  And she asked me how long I've been questioning my gender and what I was going to do.  After answering her questions, I went back upstairs to my bedroom for an hour.

When I came back down, she asked what my name would be if I became male; I told her Cal (short for Calvin) and she gave me the weirdest look EVER.  She told me that she had thought of that name for me as she was thinking about all we had talked about...

Then she said she'd take me shopping for boys' clothes and help me no matter what; I was shocked and so happy and the emotions just kept coming until I thought I would cry.

The moral:  MY MOM IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

So today was fun....my final at 9:30 went REALLY well, the class liked it and the professor enjoyed it as well.  It was a good time; my other final was 15 minutes, we got our final papers back (I got an A) and took off.  Then my roommate moved out so L and I rearranged the center room and moved my stuff over to the other room that they had previously occupied.  Now I have my own room and it's pretty exciting!!!

I talked to a professor who I've grown close with over the past year about my questioning gender identity.  She told me if I ever needed to talk, she was there for me.  That made me feel pretty good to hear; it's nice to have a "real" (not knocking those I've talked to online, but someone not on the net is nice to talk to) person know about my problems and offer her support and advice.  She recommended I talk to a counselor at the school; I think I might after break, or I'll talk to some folks I know from Planned Parenthood and see who they would recommend.  I can't afford it on my own and my mom has health insurance that covers it but I'm not sure I want her to know yet...

Now I have to pack b/c I'm heading home tomorrow, and my pizza is here so I'm gonna eat.

OMG I slept from 5am to 3:30pm today!!!  It was AMAZING!!!  Then I basically did nothing (played Guild Wars, listened to music and chatted on YayforQueers).  I had dinner at 9pm and then wrote 1 and 1/4 of my 10-12 page paper that's due on Thursday about how transgender women are portrayed in the media.

Now I'm gonna watch a movie with my roomie about Abu Ghraib......

12/17/07

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, mostly late at night when I’m trying to go to bed.  Last night I got only 3 hours of sleep and now, at 11:10 am as I’m lying in bed attempting to get some MUCH needed sleep my brain is working on overdrive.  I’ve been thinking about others’ gender identities as part of my quest to try and sort through who I am.  One friend (really more like an ex-friend) I have/had identifies as queer.  But I think he does it out of political factors rather than as anything personal.  He spouts off queer theory constantly but never discusses his own issues, points of view, etc.; especially about gender identity.  He prefers to talk down to me and other friends rather than to us.  Last night I brought up my viewpoint with my roommate (we’ll call her ‘L’ for the sake of argument) and we had a discussion about this particular person’s identity.  L completely agreed and went on to say that ever since she’s known him (she’s known him longer than I have) he has been this way.  Now, I’ve known this guy for awhile and one thing I have noticed is his constant need to defy authority. 

The former president of the queer group here on campus brought up last year, as she was leaving, that we should run our organization as a collective.  Now, I have many problems with this (particularly in a school organization setting) but we’ll ignore this for the time being.  Anyway, her ‘vision’ for the group was to have everyone help out a little here and there.  In another group she was in (that I too am apart of) she spouted off the same issue.  The point I’m trying to make regarding her is that she is quite defiant of authority and the representative democracy we have implemented as a society.  This guy I’ve been talking about (who is gay and we’ll call him ‘C’) is very like her.  In fact, he practically worships the ground she walks on and talks shit constantly about the new president and how she “isn’t as good” or “isn’t as inclusive”.  I’m sorry but when the former president’s mission was to try and force EVERYONE out of the closet, then she isn’t being inclusive or sensitive to other people.  He’s nuts, in my opinion.

 

6:41 p.m. I just read what I wrote earlier…it is SO obvious I’m an English major.  I guess what I was trying to point out through my writing was that sometimes people take an identity simply because it furthers their own political agenda or because they prefer to feel superior to others who do not identify as that specific thing.  I’ve been thinking some more (as I am prone to do when I am bored) and in talking with other people online and hearing their stories over the past couple days I think that my own story is slowly beginning to fit together (slowly but surely).  I see parts of my story in other people’s and that helps alot. I’m pretty much alone here in Des Moines, so it’s nice to feel a sense of camaraderie in others’ stories.

 

/end rant

 

Much love!!

Well, today's been fun...my roomie's still not back from Chi-town, which leaves me home alone :(  But I've cleaned today, which was okay and I had Papa Johns' with 2 RAs in my building and a friend :P

I've been watching Survivor while TransGeneration's been downloading on iTunes...still not downloaded yet :(  And I did homework for my class, so maybe that'll up my grade a bit ;)

At 9:30 we're having a goodbye party for one of the RA's who's transferring to a University that'll pay her more for what she's doing here.  It'll be fun and then I have a final at 7:30 am....which hurts my sleep schedule of going to bed at 3 am or so after I wear myself out.

So I've been going through some gender confusion, and decided keeping a blog/diary about it will help.  So I'm posting. Here's December 15th's post-

Wonderment…curiosity…in all honesty, I don’t know how else I can describe what I’m feeling.  For a long time now, I have been wondering about my gender identity.  I’m not a huge fan of my breasts, and when I look in the mirror and see them I wish they were flat….Am I trans?  I dislike the curves of my hips and how feminine they are.  At a young age, I told my mom I wanted to be a boy; not a girl.  But I’ve always assumed it was because I am the first granddaughter in the family and everyone forcing “girl stuff” onto me.  I hated wearing dresses growing up, much preferring blue jeans and a tshirt (androgyny, anyone?) and when I came to college I cut off my hair; sure, I tell people who ask why that I did it in honor of my uncle who died of cancer, but the reality is that I did it because I couldn’t stand having that long, feminine hair.  Now I often get confused with being a boy, and I’m not insulted; in fact I often take pride that I can confuse others perception of me.  The question I keep coming back to is, am I trans?  I love women’s bodies, but not my own.  Sexual encounters just fall flat for me; I don’t enjoy them as I should when I am being pleasured.  Am I a lesbian or a straight man?

I often fantasize about being a guy; in fact, growing up in all the games I played I would play the male role.  Now, I still fantasize about being a man and I’ve noticed a strange interest that I have with the transgender community…I don’t hate being female, but I just feel uncomfortable and awkward in my body.  Don’t get me wrong, I love vaginas; just not my own.